Natural Born Diva's!
Becky: Here’s a first on Internet Police, a grandma blog. At least we think it’s a grandma blog, the blogger says s/he is retired!
Sarai: Retired? I wonder from what.
Becky: Buying out the ugly whore makeup section? What? I’m just sayin’ is all.
Sarai: “I know I have a tendency to curse alittle, talk about naked boyz, designer clothes, shoes, music, the 80’s, love, lust, whatevers on my mind at the time. I wont apologize for being me.” O RLY?
Becky: Okay then, how about you apologize for freaking me the fuck out? She doesn’t seem to have very good self-esteem, people with good self-esteem don’t need to tell them thar bitchez to fuck off and leave them alone. Case in point: Us.
Sarai: Omg, the coding:
<P ALIGN=right> <b>My retirement days......</b><br><br><br></p>
Becky: Oh jesus christ!
Sarai: <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
<html>
<head>
SHE HAS CSS?? DO YOU SEE IT ANYWHERE?
Becky: Yeah I do. Wow, just wow.
Sarai: <title>?!?!!? Is this some cruel joke? No wonder it doesn’t show up anywhere on Firefox.
Becky: It’s got HTML in it! This is worse than her photos. I bet she knew we were coming along and she did this on purpose. Why is the world so damn cruel?
Sarai:
<SCRIPT language=Javascript>
<!--
defaultStatus=" © Divah Designz "//--> </SCRIPT>
Just what is going on?
Becky: I wish I knew. So are we competing with or envying her?
Sarai: Um, how about hurling? Or crying? Oh wait, I misread the question. But I still stand by what I said.
Becky: I’m hurling and crying, but I also envy her at the same time because I want to be the chocolate Marilyn Monroe. Why can’t I be the chocolate Marilyn Monroe? I’m classy, just not so much with the chocolate. Unless you want to count the chocolate I eat.
Sarai: She’s dreaming, Becky. Everyone knows you have that coveted title all to yourself.
My question is… if this is what a Natural Born Diva is like, what about those Unnatural ones?
Becky: Don’t be hatin’.
Yeah haven’t you heard about the new surgery for diva’s? It’s so new even I haven’t heard of it. Or maybe it’s that stuff I saw in the hair dye isle. Strange fat women with tube tops were gathered ‘round it.
Sarai: Hatin’? What I’m hatin’ on is that horrible purple background that doesnt go with the green at all.
Becky: Oh it’s not supposed to be purple. If you open it in IE it’s completely green, except for the fact that the .png’s background doesn’t match the hex code for the background. Sarai. Open up IE NOW and right click to see the message that comes up.
So U wanna know how 2 become a DIVA?
Sarai: I’m about to choke on my dildo, Becky. This is a whole ‘nother level of asswipe.
Becky: Smile then, it helps your gag reflex.
Hey wait a minute I thought we were the ultimate diva’s?
Sarai: We are, Becky. But the real divas don’t have to convince others, you see.
HOLY ELLIPSES BATMAN! No one needs that many. It looks like one huge Bush speech.
Becky: LOL ILU! I was just thinking that actually. Actually I wasn’t, I was more transfixed on her inability to understand that you + are = you’re.
Sarai: I’m hesitant to click Bio after reading that invigorating Intro.
“I have tendency to talk about designer things, money, naked men, parties, world issues, etc…. you never know whats gonna be on my mind but you chose to come to my site… so be warned…. “
Okay, now I’m just scared. Please hold me.
Becky: I’m holding on Sarai and I ain’t lettin’ go.
Sarai: K, I’m putting on a brave face and reading all about this diva.
She calls herself a… caramel sundae. Is this a new trend?
Becky: Let me know how it goes, I’m going to go find solace with Butter Cream Bitches (which sounds suspiciously like an ice cream flavour to me).
Sarai: What would that make us then?
No, Becky!
Becky: Don’t you know? We’re Pasty White and wtfever you want to use to describe your skintone sundaes.
Sarai: Vanilla Seduction? Does that sound good enough?
Becky: Oh hey, me like, me like. See you just take some cool ass thing and use it to describe your skin.
Sarai:
“I know who I am and I know what I stand for so you cant EVER break me… NEVER. And the fact that u THINK u can, just further inforces my thoughts that I am the shit.”
Inforces?
Becky: Inforces, she’s forcing something inward? That can’t be good for the bootay. But she says that she doesn’t care a lot, doesn’t she? If you have to tell people it then it probably isn’t true. Unless of course you’re us, in which case we periodically announce our awesomeness to the world.
Sarai: I can summarize this whole bio in one sentence: “I love mah fyne azz self, n aint no bitchez gunna steal mah thundah.”
Becky: That’s pretty good, you could probably sell it to her.
Sarai: Do you think she would ‘inforce’ herself on me? I don’t want to risk my health.
Becky: That sounds dirty… I wouldn’t risk it hon.
What the hell is lipglass? Is it like a windshield for your lips? Protective goggles for your mouth? Inquiring minds must know!
Sarai: Omg, when you click on a link, it flashes!
Becky: She says she changes her hair every 3 days, does she mean wash, brush or all of the above?
Sarai: I don’t think she knows what a brush is.
Becky: Yeah, since you don’t sleep in wigs she probably doesn’t need to brush it that often.
Sarai: Picture! I remember laughing at this picture for a good two minutes straight.
Becky: That first one is a classic shot. Who doesn’t have a shot where you’re sucking on a cigarette? In the third one she looks about 50, that necklace is so goddamn fug and bitch needs a new wig. Sarai, is she naked in two of those pictures?
Sarai: Jesus Christ, Becky. Why would you even take it there?
Becky: Because I can.
Sarai: Picture! I don’t know what to do first: laugh or cry myself to sleep.
Becky: That smile is totally “heh, I didn’t squish that dead guy over there Officer, honest I didn’t… heh”
Okay enough is enough, I can’t laugh too loudly because people are sleeping and holding it in hurts. Everytime I see a new picture of her I want to bust a gut and I just know that my dogs will start barking.
Sarai: Okay, enough pictures. Onto how to Contact her. The first line caught my eye:
“There are lots of ways to contact me…..please DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT be a stalker!”
Should we refer her to your recent blog?
OMG. Her Yahoo screenname: Toecurlingcoochie.
Becky: I’d curl up too if I saw her coochie :| It probably has roaches living in it.
Sarai: I was staring at her FAQs for far too long. It’s just too much.
What size are Ur Boobies???
I aint answering, because any REAL man should know his sizes!
Any REAL men here willing to even go there? No? Didn’t think so.
Becky: Not even the fattest, most desperate furry would go there! Not even if she wore a goddamn skunk suit.
Sarai: Damn.
“an U Help Me get into the “adult” business???
Why would U wanna be in this fucked up BBW modeling business? It’s a bunch of back stabbing internet hoes, all tryin to be #1, while stabbing EACHOTHER in the backs…that’s why I’m OUT!”
Say what?! Is this what she’s retired from?
Becky: Adult business, is that what they’re calling the BBW modelling business now? Because I thought adult business mean porn, but I guess it applies to BBW modelling, I don’t know how but yeah it could.
Sarai: Yeah that’s what I was thinking too, and then I threw up.
Becky: You aimed away from your keyboard, right?
Sarai: Errr…
She links us to Online Booty Calls?! Are you fucking kidding me?
Becky: Hey Sarai, why are we such bitches?
A: I dont know, God made me us this way… I am we are his child(ren), so here I am we are, take me us or leave me us….Hate it or love it the under dog’s on top
And I’m gon shine homie until my heart stop….............................................
I added The Game lyrics.
Sarai: I think my chin just quivered. You are so evil.
Becky: She says that it takes a very secure woman to be friends with her because she is so damn fyne! Man, I have a feeling we’ll be the best of friends, eh?
Sarai: If I ever saw her on the street, I’d run as fast as I could into the nearest ditch and stay there.
Becky: Hell, ditch? I’d run into a street pole head first to try to knock myself out until the horror was over.
Sarai: I’d stick my head in a blender.
Becky: You must have one tiny head.
Sarai: Or maybe just stand on my tip-toes face-first into my fan.
Becky: I’d shimmy up a hydro pole and lick the wires.
Sarai: I’d do a stigmata and nail myself to the nearest plane.
Becky: Okay you win.
Sarai: How should we wrap this up?
Becky: By beating each other senseless with our mice?
Sarai: I guess I’ll just end by saying that I have never laughed so hard at a website in my entire life. Not even Butter Creme Bitches or Cincoflex, and those were some lulz.
Becky: Yeah me either, I think we should revisit this here diva sometime in the future, just to catch up.
Sarai: Yeah, she has a new layout in the works. Maybe we can provide the readers with a mini-update: The Life of a Previous Adult BBW Model.
When it comes to layout, coding, and overall douche-ness, however, I give her a 1 for GTFO MAH INTERNETZ.
Becky: Too bad we can’t give negative scores, I’d give minus-infinity.
Sarai: But the lulz!
Becky: Oh yeah, 5 out of 5 for me then. I wonder if she has anything on AskJolene?
Sarai: Wouldn’t that make us stalkers?
Becky: No. Yes. Wait…. maybe.
Sarai: Oh who cares? Let’s dive in.
Becky: You go look at the BBW pictures, I’ll wait over there.
Sarai: Dude no fucking wai, come back!
Becky: Sorry, I’m already halfway up the pole! Can’t hear you, come back some other time.
Sarai: * grabs nailgun * I’m coming!
Becky: Think you can help me fix my hair? I seem to be having a frizz problem. Meh, maybe Dallas will lend me a wig?
Sarai: Why do I even talk to you?
Becky: For the same reason I talk to you: WE CAN’T FIND ANYONE BETTER!
Sarai: Oh right.
You guys are f-ing great! I mean it! This is the 5th review I’ve read for tonight. You guys make readers like me imagine the talk. I swear I’ve been laughing so hard, gas is passing out my ass! lol
nothing beats that CSS.. with html? why do i bother calling it a stylesheet, when in reality, it’s no where near close.
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I’ve seen lots of interesting CSS files in my time, but hers beats each one of them… maybe we should tell her to close the html tag in it? I mean, she opened it… so she should also close it.
Oh and the second link to the picture freaked me out.
I just clicked on the site, saw it scrolled 2 times vertically and I closed it back.
Btw, i LOVE the new look for Internet Police. :D
Vera · May 14, 06:59 AM · · Permalink