It's all about Rachael

Becky: Today we got a lovely little email from everyone’s favourite passive aggressive twit, Rachael. In that email, which we unfortunately cannot post, she expressed her concern about our “over-the-top” behavior concerning her. The email implied that Sarai and I have nothing better to do than sit here and talk about Rachael. Which you can see, from the many mentions of Rachael on all of our sites, is quite obviously true.
Sarai: Hang on I’m pulling up the Rachael archives as we speak… It’s taking a while, there’s so many.
Becky: Is it freezing up your computer again? Just a side note: that’s why Sarai’s laptop died, it couldn’t handle the Rachael archives.
Sarai: In the e-mail she tells us she’s sensitive and that maybe that is the reason why we continue on our current ways of… well, she didn’t mention but it’s gotta be bad. She wants us to all act in a civilized fashion.
Just this morning Becky and I were fighting about which one of us was going to make fun of her first. I won, just so you know.
Becky: Sarai beat me until I agreed to let her go first. And she made me hold her weave while she did it. So you see, Rachael, you’re not the only one getting abused around here.
Sarai: Definitely not. I wear the pants in this relationship. Speaking of pants, I’m pretty sure I have my new set of Rachael wallet pictures in the back pocket, brb.
Becky: Oh goody! Can you send me a few copies? I want to put them on my ceiling so the last thing I see at night is Rachael’s face. The poster I have up there of her is falling apart and needs to be replaced. Try finding a replacement Rachael poster these days, it’s so hard.
Sarai: I have some of those already, except it’s a poster. Limited edition, babies.
Oh shit, limited edition my ass! >:[
Becky: Would you be willing to help a sister out, Shanaynay?
Sarai: No fuck that. * clutches poster, strokes *
Becky: Okay fine. I see how it is. Keep the Rachael goods for yourself. FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE.
Sarai: BECKY BE CIVIL!
Becky: I would if you’d bloody well share your shit with me. Have you got the new limited edition Rachael doll? I have five.
Sarai: Fuck. I stood in line for those, too, you grabby goober
.
Becky: Grabby goober!? Fine, I was going to send you two and a half for your birthday, but forget it now! Ungrateful biotch.
Sarai: I’m pulling up our work schedule for today. Someone has to actually do work around here, you know.
Becky: You know what we need? An office bitch, where’s Brent?
Sarai: Itinerary
8am: Lulz
9am: Breakfast
10am: Make fun of Rachael
10:20am: Stroke poster
11am: Answer e-mails
12pm: Chew gum to put on Rachael shrine
12:05pm: Put gum on Rachael’s head
12:30pm: Lunch
1pm: Lulz some more
2pm: Practice how to be civil
2:10pm: Rachael cookie time
Brent off getting me some Rachael stickers and no, you can’t have him.
Becky: It’s my turn to chew the gum! Why can’t I have some Rachael stickers and Brent? I’ll trade you my limited edition Rachael shaped coffee mug and my box of untouched Rachael Cola. Pwetty pwease?
Sarai: Brent’s off limits. But I’ll trade my special edition stickers for your Cola, I never got a chance to try that. I bawled for two days.
Alright Becky take it from 2:30pm since that’s when I clock off. Long day.
Becky:
2:30 pm: Wait in Rachael’s bushes hoping to catch a glimpse of her.
5:15 pm: Go through Rachael’s garbage.
6:00 – 7:00 pm: Lulz at the eventful day.
I don’t work the night shift, sorry.
Sarai: No wonder we never get anything done around here.
Becky: If it weren’t for Rachael we’d be able to update IP three or four times a day. Feel free to send her hate mail for taking up all of our time.
Sarai: I was going to talk about our next Website Lulz but I need to finish my Rachael gum wrap bracelet and that takes too much time. :-(
Becky: I’m making myself a Rachael pop tab necklace with matching belt (it has cutouts of her face dangling from every pop tab).
Sarai: I’m naming my first kid Rachael. I don’t care if it’s a boy or girl.
Becky: OMG NO I AM.
Sarai: Fight me for it.
Becky: Okay, okay I can do this * turns on Rocky theme song *…. no, no that’s all wrong. * turns on “I’m Just A Kid” * AIGHT LET’S DO THIS THANG. SOMEONE BETTER HOLD MY WEAVE. HOLD IT NOW. BE CAREFUL WITH IT, IT COSTED ME 12 BUCKS.
Sarai: * gets vaseline * You’re going down, bitch.
Becky: Bring. It. On.
Sarai: * busts out Rachael boxing gloves * These cost me 3 bucks, so don’t scratch them too much. Custom made. * kisses them *
Becky: You’re gonna learn the most dangerous word in the history of languages is Pussybear.
Sarai: Start praying grabby goober!
Becky: I don’t pray! You’d better though, maybe go to church.
Sarai: Is that where I’ll learn to be civil?
Becky: I think so. * throws on Rachael workout shorts * I found them in the garbage. Weren’t we doing something?
Sarai: Those are a little snug on your ass, bb, I thought you was working out?
- throws punch when Becky’s not looking *
Becky: OH NO YOU DIDN’T. * kicks in groin *
Sarai: EY.
Becky: Did it hurt your balls? * pokes eye * YEAH, YEAH I’M QUEEN OF THE WORLD. COME GET SUM.
Sarai: You know what, let’s leave this little fight for later because one of my strings just slipped out on my glove here and I don’t want to risk any damage.
OW. THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR.
Becky: Okay fine, I have to go make Rachael cupcakes to eat later. We was fightin’ bbcakes.
Sarai: Are you making the ones with her face? Cause those were fucking delicious.
Becky: What the fuck do you think? OF COURSE I AM! You want some?
Sarai: OMG COME OVER.
Becky: Too bad, they’re mine.
Sarai: We can snuggle on my Rachael blanket and pop in some home movies I stole last week.
Becky: OMG
Sarai: WELL FINE BE LIKE THAT.
Becky: Okay I’m on my way. No I wanna see the home movies.
Sarai: Thought so. Maybe we should say something civilized before we leave.
Becky: Can we do that, is that allowed?
Sarai: Of course we can: Hi Rachael, we thought it’d be best to discuss this on IP. If you couldn’t tell this entry was very sarcastic, and a little outrageous, and that’s because your e-mail left us a little confused. You see, we don’t talk about you all the time. I just don’t have that kind of time. I certainly wouldn’t stalk you.
Becky: In fact the most we’ve talked about you is in the WPR you requested from us. If I were going to stalk someone, don’t you think I’d make it worthwhile? Like James Marsters, Michael Rosenbaum or Hugh Laurie. Oh man how I’d love to sit in their bushes.
Sarai: Exactly. On our last post I think you were mentioned once, and barely.
Becky: That mention was hardly mean and meant as a comical entry, because I had to block you from PM’ing me on Snark everytime you got butthurt. You made it into a big deal by telling us to be original and get our own ideas, you admitted to taking the “inspired by Rachael” bit seriously. Don’t blame us because you’re thick (and no, I don’t want those exams of yours, keep them to yourself).
This is a list of people we talk about on a regular basis. If your name is not on this list then assume we only talk about once in a while and probably not at all.
- Spike
- House
- Sarai
- Becky
- Spike
- House
- Sarai’s balls
Sarai: You’re not the exception just because you’re in our “blogging circle”. We’ll treat you just like everyone else, that’s how it is. No one here gets special treatment, except Brent and that’s only because he’s special and gets us stuff. Sorry.
Becky you forgot TGO, we have a little e-crush on him. * blush *
Becky: Special as in rides the short bus. What? He thinks Spike looks nasty, he’s obviously insane. But yes, Brent is the only person who gets any sort of special treatment. (And special treatment means we just don’t beat him up once a week like we do everyone else, he pays us with his lunch money for that privilege.)
Oh! I can’t forget TGO who gave us a li’l mention der on his blog. I just hope he realised that we’re girls, after all he hates them, right? PFT.
The second I give someone preferential treatment is the day I turn in my Internet Police badge. I will never, ever stop exposing the stupidity of people just because someone doesn’t like it. Why, bcause I’m not a pussy. I’m a pussybear, there’s a difference.
Furthermore, if it bugs you that much then I have to wonder why you read our blog(s) and why you continue to comment and speak to us. We call it like we see and nothing more, nothing less. If you don’t like it then grow a pair and create an anti-IP site. Although I would recommend that you just stop coming here if it bugs you that much, honestly you’re quite the little glutton for punishment, eh?
Shanicka out.
Sarai: Don’t forget the popcorn.
Number of times we said Rachael: 25
Number of times we thought about Rachael: 2,325
Wow, how immature can you get?
Jessica · Dec 29, 12:57 PM · · Permalink
LOL.
All you two have proved with this is that you really do have nothing better to do than talk about me, so much so that it has apparently killed Sarai’s laptop.
Why can’t you post the contents of the email? All I did was politely ask you to leave me alone. That’s not preferential treatment, that’s called knowing when you’ve crossed a line.
You two are so dellusional… It’s ridiculous how you twist everything to make you look like the “good guys” and me look like the bad one. Maybe I could take this opportunity to clear a few things up.
1) I’ve not once PM’d you on Snark, Becky. I was going to PM you once (because when I think someone has a problem with me, I ask them about it privately), but you’d blocked me before then. So all this mention of “PM’ing you everytime I got butthurt” is a load of rubbish.
2) You offered to do a WPR for people because you thought that all the WPR’s these days were rubbish. You offered to show us “how it should really be done”, and I was curious to see if you could review my site like the reasonable adults you should be. There’s a difference between taking up an offer of a WPR and “oh please hate on me!”
3) The last entry where you “barely mentioned me”? Do you forget what you write? You actually gave me a whole award!
Clearly you don’t respond to emails, so let’s try this publicly (maybe it’ll sink in this time).
Whatever problem you have, leave me out of it. I am not this crazy person you make me out to be.
I believe they said that this article was full of sarcasm, so you shouldn’t have taken it seriously Rachael.
Spencer · Dec 29, 01:15 PM · · Permalink
OK… now I’m officially weirded (whoa! it’s actually a word. Go me!) out.
Try as I might I don’t get this cold war of yours. On the one hand Rachael keeps getting offended by you over every stupid remark, and on the other hand you keep treating Rachael as if most of her words had some creepy double meaning.
I admit, I sucked at literary analysis in school, the only reason I impressed the English committee at the SATs was because I glared at them fiercely (so I guess I shanghaied them into this). Er… yeah my point is I can’t read between the lines, so I could very well be totally ignorant.
Bottom line: I don’t get it. Unless you secretly agreed to keep this going for the sake of entertaining our blogging circle.
P.S. Is there any way to bribe you to blog about my “bully”? (see Snarky Secrets) You’re free to insult me as well, just bully her too (more).
I’ll offer payment (just not in monetary form =D )
Rachael – I don’t know why you keep coming here to see what these two have to say about you next. You’re obviously getting offended by all this, so I would just drop this and leave Becky and Sarai alone. Not everyone on the ‘net can be your best friend. I think you’re just bringing this all upon yourself. I’m sorry if this offends you, but you’re being rather ridiculous. I’m sure that these two would be willing to stop writing about you when you stop providing them with the satisfaction of your anger.
But Becky and Sarai – I think you’re a tad at fault here too. You know Rachael keeps coming here and getting butthurt over everything she reads. I understand that the point of this site is to show what’s wrong with the internet – and very bluntly, but you guys aren’t just being blunt – I think you’re both being jerks.
Darren · Dec 30, 12:45 AM · · Permalink
She’s the one that has instigated everything after Snark, and we’re the bad guys? Bitch plz. Jerks we may be, but we’re not harassing or stalking anyone, except maybe Hugh Laurie, he’s just so nummylicious.
I didn’t say you were the bad guys, but I said you were slightly at fault for continuing to taunt Rachael after knowing she keeps visiting here. But if anything, I think Rachael is mostly at fault for keeping coming here even after getting the hint that you’re going to keep talking about her until she leaves.
Darren · Dec 30, 09:18 AM · · Permalink
“We can’t post private emails without the permission of the author.”
really? i thought it was known that any email sent to someone is now theiy property. I always tell people that if they send me hatemail they are going to be posted and if they have a problem with that then dont send hatemail.
What I do not understand is why Becky and Sarai lie. I have seen many threads on the Snark message boards, for example, in which Becky and/or Sarai attack Rachael for little, or no reason whatsoever. Rachael will simply join the thread, and they will quickly respond with messages telling her she should “gtfo”, and so on. They backtrack later, of course, by stating they are only being “sarcastic”, or that they are “joking”, but it is easy to see they have malicious intent. Becky and Sarai think they are fooling everyone, but it is clear they are not.
I cannot be bothered to find the exact threads at the moment, so forgive me..
But perhaps the one in which Becky was threatening you with “chat logs”, Sarai? I am sure you recall that.
“I’m sick of your fucking bitching, Sarai, all you fucking do is complain all day long about everyone. I can prove it, too, I have all the chat logs saved, so shut your mouth.”
Becky certainly shaped you into place with those posts of hers, didn’t she.. Who needs enemies when you have such wonderful friends.. Then I believe Rachael posted some sort of referee comment for the two of you, and then one, (or both of you, I cannot recall,) attacked her verbally (textually?) for her peace making efforts.
But returning to the original topic, Snark message board members aren’t /b/ tards. They should be quite able to search for posts and/or topics by Becky, Rachael, and yourself without a hand to hold onto.
I do not understand. It would help them? Help them with what..?
At any rate, I am not speaking of Snark members.. I’m speaking of readers here on IP. If I were speaking of/addressing Snark readers.. I would post on Snark. (This should be, once again, obvious. As in, without explanatory paragraphs.)
Ah, here we are.. A prime example in the shape of a Snark thread:
http://dubious.nu/forum/index.php?topic=3069.50
Needless battering towards Rachael, not to mention that this is the infamous thread where Sarai and Becky have their little spat.
(And somehow I am unable to find the other thread I was thinking of.. Did Snark recently lose threads, or am I thinking of another message board entirely?)
And why do you say, at one point in time, you are only being sarcastic, and then the next moment, you are saying you do not even like her in the first place?
Why say you are being sarcastic? Why say you are joking? This is my entire point, the point which you have failed to address as of yet.
You two keep getting your stories mis-matched.. It is wonderful for the “lulz”, of course.. But it is disappointing.
I expected better from you both. For shame.. The wank is over, now, before it even had a chance to begin. Sigh.
First it was a casual, even friendly attitude towards Rachael.. This would be the web award incident. (Twisted friendliness, of course, but that is what you are known best for.) Next, when she replied with her feelings regarding the award, it was a total and complete turn around..
..A comedic award that you obviously took too fucking seriously..
Then the attitude was re-shaped yet again, with an even more aggressive tone.
..You can’t tell the difference between seriousness and sarcasm (..) You take everything too goddamn literally and won’t shut up about it..
But then it is back to the twisted friendliness..
You’re not the exception just because you’re in our “blogging circle”. We’ll treat you just like everyone else, that’s how it is.
..We gave her a humorous award, thinking, wrongly, that she would be able to take a joke. There was no malice behind it and yet she took it the wrong way..
And then finally, you decide to say you don’t even have a liking towards her what-so-ever.
I don’t think that anyone would read this and think that we like her in any way or have any sort of fuzzy feelings towards her.
Hmm, all of this is quite mystifying.
Er, Lily, I think you might want to do a little more research on the meaning of sarcasm or something. Those quotes you just posted? All say the SAME THING. They jokingly gave Rachel an award, because she’s in their social circle and they thought she’d appreciate the joke.
I like Rachael well enough, but I think she needs to learn the golden rule from middle school – if you ignore the people making fun of you, eventually they’ll go make fun of other people. In this case, probably people with insanely long sidebars or something.
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Hehehe…. :) I’m looking forward to the responses to THIS! :)
Regina · Dec 29, 10:13 AM · · Permalink