CincoFlex
Adult content follows. Read at your own risk.
Sarai: Just WTF is going on here?!
Becky: It’s a joke, it has to be a joke. Stuff this bad can’t be serious, can it? Yes, it’s like those horrible MadTV skits, a horrible, horrible joke (what, I need some faith in humanity).
Sarai: I damn well hope not. I’m scared about checking her hits… I really wouldn’t know what to do with myself if they reach at least 500, Becky. :[
Becky: Me either, what fanfiction shall we click on first? The only ones that seem to be working are the House ones so we don’t have that much choice.
Sarai: And thank god. It’s like wading through a watermelon patch. DO THE GODS HAVE NO MERCY?!
Becky: Her writing is unusually… purple, is it not?
Then House feels the blood thicken his cock and his tongue go heavy and useless. Her eyes, normally so blue go a slate grey, and he’s reminded of the elemental force of the woman; like a storm, with no defined edges, but full of power and grace. Her very femininity comes into focus: the lift of her chin, the flutter of her dark eyelashes, the flick of her tongue over her lower lip.
Sarai: A storm with no defined edges?! Wonderful use of adjectives.
Becky: Use? I was thinking more like abuse. This is like one of those “Find 20 Things Wrong With This Picture” puzzles, somewhat amusing and difficult to find everything wrong.
Sarai: It looks like she’s really into the naughty stuff. Look at this gem: ‘Cane and Able – House takes a firm hand in disciplining Doctor Cameron.’ Sounds like a winner!
Becky: Only if you’re into furry sex and S&M! Furry, of course meaning, her descriptions of House being very furry in the Tempered series.
Sarai: I can sum up most of her paragraphs into one sentence.
“They glared at each other. Considering how short the actual distance was between them—less that two feet for all intents and purposes—it was amazing that nothing combusted within those twenty-four inches. House felt the anger thrum through him,
and on the undercurrent of it, another sort of tension, one he didn’t want to have right now. Not around her.”
Would translate to: “They glared at each other, angry to be so close to one another. Cookies.”
Becky: I love, love Red Shadow. So unique, so brilliant, so… completely and utterly confusing. This woman needs to really watch BtVS for shizzle. Maybe not, it is a vampire, right? I think it’s a vampire, I’m not sure but it seems to be one. And last time I checked (I used to be obsessed with vampire lore) a nail in the head, chopped off head or stake through the heart was the only way to kill a vampire/distract (aside from throwing a baby or feeble elderly person in their path).
Sarai: Her titles… they’re so lol-worthy. “Curve of the Peach” “Doc-A-Zulu” “Tickle” and “Between the Boys” being my favorites. “Cane and Able” ftw, though. Don’t forget da holy watah!
Becky: Why I do think that’s a parody of an episode title.
Sarai: What? She can’t possibly understand parody. I mean, she can barely understand similes and metaphors.
Becky: Oh and burning, burning is very effective too. Also, vampires can’t cross water so if you can find yourself an island then you can hang out there until dawn.
Sarai: We must ask Buffy the next time we see her.
Becky: I’ll do that now, she’s in my closet. Yeah, she agrees with us.
Sarai: I knew it.
Becky: Actually, in Red Shadow I think Cuddy is turned into Cinco’s version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
“Okay, she sighed softly, “Here goes. Within the offices of the CDC Infectious Diseases is a special division—covert if you will— that deals with . . .
pathogens of antiquity. Ancient Afflictions. They track various plagues and
diseases whose pathologies haven’t yet been determined. Stuff of . . . “ Cuddy looked slightly mortified, “—legend.”
Sarai: But… this is a show about doctors. And and a hospital. Not vampires! Poor Cuddy. A part of me does feel sorry for him.
Becky: That’s the beauty of fanfiction! You can rip the character apart and bring yourself as a character.
Sarai: And totally butcher it.
Becky: My absolute favourite fic of hers has to be BJR. I reviewed it a while back. Basically House likes lipstick (a lot) and gets a boner in the hospital lobby watching Cuddy apply it.
House stops just outside the glass door, brought up short by the sight of her, one elbow braced on her desk holding a compact open as she pouts for the mirror, the fingers of the other hand delicately gripping the tube. The rush of heat through his system is instantaneous, a slam of testosterone-fueled desire right down the long muscles of his stomach and straight to his balls.
Sarai: Wait, WHAT?! I love how it ends. “Straight to his balls.”
Becky:
The red.
He feels his jaw tighten, feels his cock tighten in uncontrollable response.
Cuddy is putting on the red.Red.
House has only a few little genuine kinks, and fascination with this shade is
one of them. Not just any red lipstick but THIS shade. Fire engine red, candy
apple red, corvette red, a glossy wet fuck-me shade of red that leaves him
with a sweaty upper lip and all the little hairs up on the back of his neck when
he sees Cuddy wearing it.
Sarai: Now that is some compelling story-telling.
Becky: It ends with him masturbating in her office.
Sarai: I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing as a fuck-me shade of red. I mean, shot in the dark here…
Becky: Sarai, it’s fanfiction okay? You can make shit up if you want to! Like the idea that you’re a talented writer.
Sarai: See, this is what bothers me about fanfiction. While I understand that people want to go into the alternate universe path… a lot of them just don’t know wtf they’re doing. And so they end up making it sound ridiculous and/or laughable. It’s probably why I love canon so much.
And yeah, that whole delusional mindset is preeeetty popular.
Becky: I like fanfiction, I’ll admit that. But I absolutely refuse to read anything that isn’t canon and following the storyline. It’s a good way to kill a few minutes, but it’s hardly an obsession of mine.
My problem (with fan communities in general) is that people, like Cinco, who actually said she shipped this, start “shipping” the people in real life. Suddenly it turns from being about two fake people to being about two real people who have lives and significant others.
Then you have the whole “using a ruler to measure the distance” thing (which, I believe, Spike and Angel shippers actually did on Buffyworld) crowd, I try to stay as far away from them as possible.
Sarai: And it’s not realistic, at all. It just straight up sucks. I love how even those stories rated G have slash undertones. “Confessor – G SUMMARY – A hospital visitor helps House and Cuddy get together.”
Becky: Slash is very popular in the House community because Hugh Laurie stated that he would be comfortable if the producers/writers decided to make House and his friend Wilson involved, buttsecks involved. That created a huge fanbase for freaks to point to that statement to bring relevance to their ship.
Sarai: I’m sure he said it in jest! He’s a joker. But his actual character, House, really likes women. So idk! Where they get! This crap!
Becky: My feeling about that is that Hugh Laurie probably wouldn’t have said that he was opposed to his character being gay, then ratings would have dropped (I’m not trying to insinuate that he is).
Yeah he does, but that doesn’t stop the fans from actually believing (yes, believing) that House and Wilson will so totally get married. Not that I think there’s anything wrong with that, mind you.
Sarai: And you know, that’s even scarier than: “House waits until she’s slightly bent over and then moves.”
Becky: The coding?
Sarai: What coding?!
Becky: For the site, I tried to modify it a while back so I could offer it on my site through Stylish, but it would not work. Whoever designed this site doesn’t know what CSS is. Can we say 1995?
Sarai: Can we say “hideous templates”? I wonder where she got them from…
Becky: She told me that she knows a guy who offered to design it for her (or some such shit).
Sarai: I hope she didn’t pay. The subpage template looks like something you would put on your hair.
Becky: Me too, the funny thing about this is that she has been writing fanfiction for almost 30 years (she told me 28/29 last year), you’d think after 30 years of writing you’d either get a clue or improve somewhat.
Sarai: So wait, she’s like 50, then!? Has she picked up a book the last, oh, 10 years?
Becky: I’d say 20, these stories remind me of those awful “bodice rippers” of the 80’s.
Sarai: I’ve never read any of those, and from the sounds of it, that’s a good thing.
Becky: It is a very good thing, they’re horrible. Well, Sarai, I don’t know what else to say. Eating Reeses Peanut Butter Ice Cream has made me feel somewhat better, but I don’t think I’ll be watching House or The New Addams Family today.
Sarai: I don’t blame you. Care to share?
Becky: * holds out cone *
Sarai: I can’t get over that lavender background.
Becky: I can’t get over the green one, or the bullets.
Sarai: Or the buttons. I hope those weren’t “designed” as well.
Becky: Or the graphics, or anything really.
Sarai: Merciful Jesus. CSI is up. I don’t feel brave enough to venture within those depths, however.
Becky: It is? Then it’s just come up then, this should be fun.
Sarai: No, no. I don’t want to see what she does to Grissom!
Becky:
Late afternoon, an hour before sunset forty miles north of the main drag. The ranch was quiet, except for the peripheral sounds associated with every crime scene:
Sarai: :[ I hate you.
Becky: Um, Sarai, is that the correct use of peripheral? I don’t think it is, I think it means “the outside surface of an organ or of the body”...
Sarai: Let’s see… is it an adjective? Then, no it’s not the correct use of the word.
Becky: Sorry, my ice cream was dribbling on my hand.
Sarai: She meant to use it as “external” but failed.
Becky: So good <3
Sarai: Stargate is back as well. Looks like we’re in the middle of a revamp! You know, fuck this. I give this site an F.
Becky: I’ve never watched Stargate, so I can’t possibly be scarred. Is a Z a suitable grade?
Colonel Jack O’Neill opened the door to the briefing room and unexpectedly caught sight of a heavenly body.
Sarai: The lavender background, the incorrect use of adjectives, the butchering of the House character as a whole… it’s unforgivable. I hope this bitch rots in e-hell along with Buttercreme Biatch.
Becky: I love it, “unexpectedly caught sight”, love it so damn much.
Sarai: Well I hate it. >:[
Becky: I do too, I was just shitting you.
Sarai: Well don’t please!
Becky: Death is too good for this site, I sentence it to be beaten with House’s cane.
Sarai: Not when I’m all agitated, Becky. You know what that does to my temperament.
Becky: I’m sorry, babe.
The woman was on her hands and knees, searching the carpet, oblivious to the fact that her short skirt had ridden high enough to expose a charming view of her long thighs and perfectly rounded derriere.
Sarai: I’m going to go retreat into the- DERRIERE?! OFN.
Becky: What, what in the butt.
Sarai: That’s it, fuck this review. I can’t stand it.
Becky: Yeah, screw you guys I’m going home.
Oh what a painful website… I had to shrink the font on my web browser just to read the crap without having to scroll over every 5 lines, but it really wasn’t worth the effort.
Also, if she put the thesaurus down and concentrated on writing, we’d all be a lot happier.
Cassie · May 11, 04:58 PM · · Permalink
Beautiful! There isn’t a thing I can add to your summation and decree except you’re absolutely right in your right to damn it, and the pair of you did it masterfully. Bravo!
Cincoflex · Sep 26, 02:01 PM · · Permalink
Lay off her! Who cares that her site isn’t going with the design of the hour? Did you two stop and think for a moment that perhaps she has a busy life, and getting an “in” design is last on her priority list?
As for her writing… what awards have you won?
Mel · Sep 26, 07:21 PM · · Permalink
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ugh! One of these days I’ll remember that the button there is a preview not a submit.
Here’s what my opinion on fanfic writers is. 99.99% of the time they don’t have time nor the necessary abilities for web design. If the author is good, I have no problem with this. I can live with a very basic layout which doesn’t blind me, honestly.
Second, many fanfic writers actually want to write original fiction, but fanfiction ‘sells’ (er reads) much better, so they choose a random anime/TV show/book and ‘butcher’ the characters to fit her OCs.
Third, I’d actually defend her, based on the two point above. But she sucks. BIG TIME! I have a really hard time believing that she’s been writing for 30 years. She writes like an emo 15 year old.
Vera · Apr 3, 01:39 PM · · Permalink