Candy Acid Reign
Note: We thought it’d be fun to have guests on a few of our review chats, so for this next piece, we invited Leslie to join us.
Becky: You know a website is gonna be good when it has a Firefox and Internet Explorer icon next to the title.
Sarai: Seriously.
Becky: V.25? So if this is improvement, do we want to see V.1?
Sarai: I’m a little afraid to find out, actually.
Leslie: I honestly don’t know what to say.
Sarai: It’s okay, Leslie. This being your first time, we understand. You should have seen Becky and I when we did Butter Cream Bitches.
Becky: Yeah that was pretty bad all things considered.
Sarai: How many times did we start over?
Becky: A lot. A lot a lot.
Sarai: Let’s talk about the header, since it takes up like half of the page. Wait, what is the word ‘CAR’ doing there?
Becky: Well, when you want to look super cool you throw a bunch of flowers together with a flash player.
It obviously has a connection to the windows.
Sarai: And the guitar.
Becky: Or the flowers. No, the water!
Sarai: So she plays music?
Becky: I’m pretty sure that eye is watching me.
Leslie: The background image looks like a very bad collage.
Sarai: It’s probably an ‘artistic’ collage since she’s a “multi-talented artist.” We probably don’t understand real art, you guys.
Becky: We’re just poor country mice without the big city knowledge of art. Of course, if this is art then I’m glad I’m a poor country mouse with no idea what art is.
Sarai: Is she standing on a puddle?
Leslie: She’s walking through the wilderness. It’s part of her Art.
Sarai: I feel like we’re in the matrix, with Wooden walls.
Becky: Wilderness is landscaped these days? So that people can… be more artistic? I have so much to learn about the big city.
Leslie: Oh yes. Oh look, the scrollbar is like halfway down the page.
Becky: I’m torn between which is the “worster” of the two. The blue links or the purple tape.
Leslie: The purple tape… it’s not even a rectangle.
26,044 visits. Are you fucking kidding me?
Becky: Someone sat on there refreshing. 26,000 times I’d say.
Leslie: Hell yeah. Or maybe it was her “artistic” friends.
Sarai: See this is where I get rly rly e-angry. It’s just not right that this ‘writer’ with a blinking eye on her header that is creeping me the fuck out, gets 20,000+ hits.
Okay, so I tried to select so I can share with the IP visitors just how much of a retard she sounds in her intro, but alas, the No Select script is being used. So I View the Source, and HOLY SHIT MOTHER OF GOD.
Becky: Don’t worry, I shall pwn it with my handy dandy web developer toolbar! Wait:
Stifled and short on wisdom
Sexy and long on lashes
Too busy being cute
And too young in the mind
To spend time becoming spiritually refined
But they give brain
Good brains
And ain’t that something?
Do I give brain you think? I like to think I give brain. I hope I give brain, that’d be nice.
Sarai: What the fuck is she on?
Becky: So go HEAD girl. Apparently something that makes her forget letters? I don’t know :|
Sarai: She abuses the ampersand so much, that I don’t even recognize it anymore.
Becky:
Because it’s all about the right angle
Getting the right angle
Giving the right angle
Having the right angle
Hair that dangles
This is sooo deep. If I were high right now I’d be totally amazed.
Sarai: Pass the bong, Leslie. I see big words, but I don’t know what she’s talking about.
Becky: I don’t know, maybe those nappy headed people on Cocoa Boards can help us. I understand this about as much as I understood their nappy headed poem.
Here’s where the loud sigh shakes the room
And my booty jiggles more than it ever did
My left tit hurts and I’m reminded of what the doctor said.
Okay guys, we have to stop ragging on her.
If I visit your house and it’s messy I will wash your dishes, dust, sweep and do whatever else it takes to get it clean, and I’ll do it with a smile & no complaints free of charge!
SCORE!
Sarai: WTF?!
Leslie: Haha! I just don’t understand how she can clean and shit, but she doesn’t know her shapes.
Becky: Well see, she doesn’t know where the rectangle shape in Photoshop is. So she had to use the lasso tool, and that doesn’t make a rectangle shape… Okay that’s a lame explanation, there is no excuse.
Leslie: You guys have to see her art.
Becky: HOLY WTF!
Sarai: She can’t possibly wear that lipstick. There is just no way. SHE’S BLENDING WITH THE CLOUDS.
Leslie: It matches the earrings.
Becky: I think she’s saying that she has a big head.
Sarai: Who paints their toenails next to the Golden Gate bridge in the middle of the night? Anyone?
Leslie: And that she doesn’t know how the hell to match an outfit. Purple with blue and red?
Sarai: That looks like a very uncomfortable rock she’s sitting on.
Becky: I thought that was grass she photoshopped in.
Sarai: Grass? That is limestone, I think.
Leslie: It looks like a sand texture from Photoshop.
Sarai: Dammit, now you have me doubting.
Becky: * tilts head *
Sarai: * squints *
Becky: * taps monitor *
Sarai: She’s blowing her nails dry… but there’s a nice breeze going on, if I’m not mistaken.
Leslie: I think she got it on her lips.
Becky: Yeah but it’s blowing from the other way. Her hands are in front of her and AWAY from the breeze.
Sarai: Or maybe her hair weave is just like that. Permanently flipped. I’ve seen those, you know.
Leslie: You know weaves don’t move. She has a mole. That’s sexy.
Becky: Oh no that’s whatcha call a beauty mark. See it’s called a beauty mark when you don’t want to have it removed.
I knew how to tie my shoes before the age of 2. I knew many things earlier than my peers. I was supposed to go to an all girl boarding school for gifted children, but my mother didn’t want me living outside her home.
I learned how to tie my shoes when I was 3. I guess that makes me stupider than her? Whatever, I drank from a straw when I was barely a year.
Leslie: You guys are gifted. Just like her.
Sarai: I was a fast crawler.
Becky: I never crawled. Don’t insult me! Insult Sarai if you must, but don’t insult me.
Sarai: You just climbed out from your crib and started sprinting?
Becky: Pretty much, yeah.
Leslie: Well, maybe this will make you feel better.
Sarai: What the HELL is that?! OMG HER RIGHT BOOB.
Leslie: I don’t know. A white woman who took a little kid’s money away?
Sarai: That’s a white woman? It looks like she beat up that kid for all that money. That poor kid. He’s like, “HEYYY YOU DUMB BITCH!”
Becky: I think that’s Mariah Carey. Quick, someone show it to Laur so she can gut Ladessa.
Okay I get it. That’s making a deep statement about how Americans are all greedy fatcats who steal from children. Russia and China are on there too, I don’t see Canada though. Go me.
Leslie: Maybe it’s her poor cousin.
Sarai: I don’t understand why she tattooed her face.
Becky: To show she’s American!
Sarai: Omg, I see buttcheeks!
Leslie: Oh yeah me too!
Becky: Not that that makes much sense, the boobs, Statue of Liberty, Flag in the background and American money took care of that nicely.
They’re kinda… far apart, aren’t they?
Leslie: I was just thinking that. Maybe she took some and put it in her boobs.
Becky: Okay she states that all those images and everything are copyright to her. I suppose she traveled to Marklar and took a picture of Mariah Carey beating up Starvin’ Marvin?
Sarai: That sounds very plausible, Becky.
Sarai: Her poetry is so emotional:
And I can’t heal alone
But I can’t let you in
Becky: One word: Emo.
Sarai: One word: Employment.
Leslie: And conceited.
Sarai:
I cry in dry voids that pull like black holes
In dire places where I can’t let you go
Okay, that is enough.
Becky: Desperate and Conceited Emo needs Employment to fund lawsuits filed against her by Marklar.
Sarai: for being too goddamn stupid.*
Jesus Christ, her portfolio.
Becky:
Zombies can’t handle what I have to say
So in consideration of the law you scripted as a guide
I scribe sideways on whatever is provided
Zombies shoot themselves when she starts reciting her poetry.
Sarai: You can scribe right out of mah internetz! She absused every possible effect in Photoshop.
Becky:
I’m not intimidated by your white slip_
Good, I’m not intimidated by your underwear either.
Your white lined paper
It’s a metaphor
They gots lined paper now?
I want to
Write in the period blood of raped slaves
Leslie: OMG WTF?
Becky: Menstrual blood? My reaction to her entire website.
Q. All the old people dont comment on my blogs anymore…what do you do to get people to comment on your blogs? You have mature people commenting on your blogs all the time. I’m jealous.
Sarai: What?!
Becky: I’m writing a tutorial: How to lure old people onto your website and trick them into commenting. I honestly think she’s writing these questions herself.
Q. Will my skills ever be as good as yours in coding?
1. Don’t over exert yourself. Learn one concept at a time.
2. Analyze the code until it makes sense in your mind. If you’re focused on too many things at once you will feel intimidated. I recommend looking at the “source” to learn but not to steal or take entire codes or concepts.
3. Don’t mimic others. If you’re inspired by a concept be sure to make it your own. Never over concern yourself or compare with how other sites appear, instead focus on making your site personal and based on your own taste.
Leslie: Oh God.
Sarai: On her Basics list she has Hair, Complexion, Race, 9-5… No one gives a shit.
Leslie: Yeah I know… and how her eyes are brown windows.
Becky: My eyes are brown, do you guys think they’re windows? * holds eyes open *
Sarai: My eyes are dark brown, so maybe dark mahogany doors?
Becky: I have blue whites, so brown windows with blue trim.
Sarai: There you go.
Leslie: Her hobbies are thinking, having fun, painting, drawing. She likes to think for fun. I wonder what she does when she’s not having fun?
Becky: My hobbies are dreaming of licking Lex’s head, kidnapping Spike and having sarcastic babies with House.
Sarai:
Please don’t call me Deidra without permission.
Is she serious!?
Leslie: Call her Dookie. She obviously likes it.
Becky: Deidra the Dookie. I have to blast a dookie.
Sarai: Dookiekinz! I need some advice.
Becky: What kind of advice?
Sarai: “How can I get windows for eyes?”
Becky: You cut out pictures of windows and crazy glue them to your eyes.
Leslie: Well you see, you can go to Home Depot and they can install it for you.
Becky: Actually I like her idea better, do that.
She named her guitar. Reign. You know who else named their guitar? Hank Hill, his is Betsy.
The image of me & my guitar is actually two layers of the same image. I did this to add a sense of surreal energy to the image.
Sooooo soft angel glow?
Sarai: She really needs to stop abusing Photoshop.
Becky: I’m not emailing her for her permission. Screw that shit. If she wants to sue me then she can go ahead, I’m poor. It’s like squeezing water from a rock.
Leslie: Like she did to the poor African kid in her last image.
Sarai:
This goes without saying, but…every single image, graphic, poem, or blog entry on CandyAcidReign.com was created by Ladessa Sullivan unless otherwise stated…
Every single graphic?!
Becky: The people of Marklar are going to be so Marklared when they Marklar this Marklar.
And
Ain’t she pretty!
I think she got Indian in her family!
I keep going back to her poetry page. There she’s implying that pretty Indians don’t grow up on the inside. Or something, I’m having trouble interprating it. Help?
Sarai: Oh I gave up a while ago.
Leslie: There she goes, in her habitat.
Becky: Her warpy, liquified habitat…
Sarai: She takes her guitar everywhere?
Becky: Actually Sarai, be a little more sensitive. I think it’s a growth. A guitar-shaped growth.
Sarai: Is that supposed to be a hole in the wall?
Becky: The guitar, the bitch and the hole in the brick wall?
Sarai:
Publishing: I am working on a book titled “Life Is Like CandyAcidReign”.
Life is like… Candy Acid Reign?
Becky: If that’s anywhere near as good as Butter Cream Bitches is going to be, I’m so pirating that book!
Sarai: Isn’t it supposed to be Rain?
Becky: That’s what I’ve been saying!
Sarai: And isn’t Acid bad for you? I am so confused right now.
Becky: I think we all are.
Sarai:
In the meantime it may be a good idea to preview some of my written work under “Poetics” in my Dia(b)logue.
Becky: Diablogue?
Sarai: I am speechless. Shaking my head…
Becky: Making faces at the screen.
Sarai: Oh definitely.
I think we’ve covered enough here. What do you think we should rate her?
Becky: 1. No doubt about it, she didn’t provide the lulz BCB did and her content isn’t even worthy of a 2.
Sarai: I think you pretty much said it all. Her abuse of Photoshop Effects made me rly rly angry and child abuse is never okay in my book.
Leslie: Thank you guys for letting me be a part of Internet Police. I had lots of fun, and I hope to be invited back!
Sarai: With all the crap floating around the internet nowadays, I bet somewhere in the near future we’ll be asking you to join us again!
If you would like to be a guest “reviewer”, don’t hesitate to send us an e-mail or a comment telling us so. We’d love to have more guests on future ‘projects’.
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OH THE LULZ WITH YOU GUYS. Oh hai, Leslie! :D I always forget to come back here. :( boomarks
I’d love to be a guest reviewer!
Abe · Jul 12, 03:29 PM · · Permalink