Candii-Bee
Becky: Right now we’re feeling pretty damn special, we got our own IP style review from two gals called Alex and Emzeh!
Sarai: Yeah, I just got an e-mail:
“Hello just thought i would let you know that i have put an article about you onto my blog: http://candii-bee.net. Feel free to take a look.”
Glad they gave a heads up. Otherwise we never would have found it.
Becky: It’s more than we do for our reviewees.
Sarai: I usually make it a point to steer clear of atrocious websites.
Okay so let’s dissect this little gem. :D
Becky:
Emzeh says:
Ok first impressions, Simple div layout with boring nasty colours that remind me of poop.
Sarai: Is simple supposed to be an insult?
Becky: Poop? Girl I don’t know what you’re eating, but stop it. Just stop it. I actually think it is supposed to be an insult Sarai. You see we don’t steal images from people and glomp them together and call it a layout. Therefore we are uncreative bitchez who are just super untalented.
Sarai: Too bad this is a theme and all. They must have missed our credit at the bottom of the page.
Becky: Whateva, whateva they don’t care. They have more important things to talk about, like poop.
Emzeh says:
Not sure if its intended but i think i see a spelling mistake underneath the title “Internet Police”
South Park muhfucka do you watch it!? No? Shut up then.
Sarai: I love how most of their insults (because they’re insults, Becky! They made sure to let us know) are about things that are way over their heads. Oh irony, how I love thee.
Alex says:
Holy Smoly. A site with ‘Police’ as the name i think that is faulse adveritising!?
Faulse? Adveritising? What?
Becky: If I knew what faulse and adveritising were I’d reply to that. According to my dictionary (I own three) faulse and adveritising don’t exist, although they are close to false and advertising, perhaps that is what they meant, but were too stupid to realise that they couldn’t spell?
Sarai: And even if that was their intention, how is claiming to be the Internet Police false advertising?! I really don’t get it. And that’s just not me being an asshole. I actually don’t know wtf is going on.
Becky: Because we’re impersonating officers of the law? I don’t really get it myself, after all it’s all very tongue in cheek over here at IP. No one would mistake us for actual police officers. Except maybe these two.
Sarai: Note to the Readers: There isn’t a real Internet Police in the web world. Just a tip.
Becky: I never thought we’d have to say that Sarai. I’m very butthurt that we have to.
Sarai: As you should be, Becky.
Emzeh says:
They are trying TOO hard to look professional like they actually know what they are babbling on about. I mean come on, They wrote an “Un-Asked” for review about Swimchick and Outspoken Kate. Two of my favourite sites (No im not being biased) that 3 quaters of the web visit each day!!
Wow. Is ‘asskissing’ in that dictionary?
Becky: So from that I can only assume that Zeldman visits Swimshit on a regular basis? WOW! I wasn’t actually trying to go for a professional look, I was just looking for something that people could read and look at without gouging their eyes out.
Sarai: Professional? Us? I wish people thought of us like that more often, actually. Instead of calling us ‘whores’ and ‘bitches’. Although, there’s nothing wrong with whores and bitches? Yeah, I don’t know.
And Un-Asked? LOL. You mean, unrequested? Or is that not in your dictionary?
Becky: Unrequested is in mine! Unasked isn’t though.
Sarai: “3 quaters of the web”
I can tell you for a fact that no such thing exists, Emzeh.
Becky: Yeah, quaters doesn’t exist either. Quarters does, do you think that they meant quarters but just don’t have the money to buy themselves a dictionary?
Sarai: Perhaps.
Alex says:
They seem to be poking fun at people’s layouts i suggest they take a look at their own aswell because all i see is some nice brown colour reminds me of something that goes down the toilet. Oh wait maybe they made to make it like that as it goes with whats on their site?!
Becky: Yes. Yes we chose the brown t- Oh for fucks sake we didn’t make the layout! It’s readable, the colours go well together and it isn’t stolen (can’t say the same thing for your site though, Emzeh).
Sarai: Wow. I’m thinking they don’t like our layout?
Becky: No they definitely don’t Sarai.
Sarai:
Alex says:
“Yes they really do exist and you thought they didn’t. Silly fool, never underestimate the far reaching claws of the Internet Police.“Gosh I no their pretty mean but they dont have to post that they have claws its highly unlikley or they would not be typing that article, again another lie. The second i have found and i have only been on their site 5 minutes!
*Know. *They’re. *Unlikely.
Becky: Sarcasm muhfucka do you speak it? Honestly, what kind of parents do these two girls have that raised them to take things so literally?
Sarai: Christian ones.
Alex says:
“Welcome! You’ve reached Internet Police, a website run by two pussy lickin’ bitchez eager to share with you what we like to call: What Is Wrong With The Internet. Once in a while (when we cbf) we share our Amazing Wisdom and hope people actually read it. If you’d like, you can contact either Sarai or Becky with marriage proposals, donations, or fan mail.“
The top bit infact collection of words gosh they really went all out for them, Must have took them ages to put them together. I think they can be arrested for saying such words. I doubted the “police” idea in the begining but once you get to the welcome messgage the title seems something they used in one of their reviews ranting on about one of those fonts another site downloaded. What was it they said? “Oh look, she redistributes other peoples fonts and not a credit link in site!” Wheres yours? Oh wait There isnt one!
Becky: Most likely yes. Show of hands IP visitors who thinks we actually have claws. Infact is a word now? Oh no they meant in fact, thank you so much three dictionaries.
Sarai: The credit is at the bottom. Where credits usually go…
Becky: Yeah and we link to shit on our about page. Try looking around before making idiotic assumptions girls.
Sarai: But that would mean they would actually have to read.
Becky: And that isn’t something they do well.
Sarai: And search.
Becky: And think. And use their minds.
Sarai: One quick google of “cbf” and you have your answer.
Becky: Pft too hard, they’d rather look like etards.
Emzeh says:
well spotted! Maybe they made the fonts with their “oh so amazing” skills and talent… “Thinks” nahhhh
Sarai:
“Thinks”
Wait, who said that?
Becky: I think they’re lying, neither of them can think!
Sarai:
Alex says:
Definatley not!
Oh also on the welcome message “cbf”??? im not down with this street business, you see im not as hip as hop as them sorry i am insulting them of course. They stay in all day and write these petty little ‘articles’ i think that’s what they named their english lesson. Hope their teachers are proud. Boy they have pinpointed some great sites. Shame it was all on their site though. Give someone else some top site list’s! Another list! Shocked! They do like your list’s.
Oh yeah, it takes all day to type up a couple of paragraphs. Maybe for you, Alex… Most of us can think pretty quickly.
Becky: Alex dearie, I never went to school, I didn’t have teachers so therefore I have no one to be proud of me :( What is she talking about “Give someone else some top site list’s! Another list! Shocked! They do like your list’s.”?
Sarai: I have no idea. I keep re-reading it, but I’m getting a headache.
And ‘cbf’ is a hip hop word now? What?
Becky: I passed headache a few minutes ago and now I’m in migraine territory
Sarai: Take one for the team, Becky, we’re almost done.
MESSAGE TO INTERNET POLICE: Thanks for the awsome night! We greatly enjoyed this. We should meet up sometime we will take you to the Book Store! You can buy a book maybe even a Dictionary!! Yes…. New to you? Maybe you can stop wrting these things if you feel that we are being blatently horrible (Just like you) [END OF MESSAGE]
Becky: It’s like anal sex without lube! No, no girls we’ll buy you a dictionary. And a thesaurus. And a book on grammar.
Sarai: $5 bucks they wouldn’t know the difference between the Fiction and Non-Fiction sections.
Becky: Oh don’t be so mean Sarai, I bet they do know that “fikshun” is fake and “non-fikshun” is not fake.
Sarai: Insults aren’t new to us? Hello?
Blatently horrible
LOL. JUST LOL. Alex/Emzeh, you do not know how excited we got when I got your e-mail. Like little kids in a candy store. We look forward to this shit. So, a heartfelt thank you from us. No, really.
Becky: We do indeedy, we’re two people who look forward to people attempting to fuck with us because 9 times out of 10 it’s pathetic lulzy shit.
Sarai, perhaps we should give them a few pointers for the next IP-style review they do?
Sarai: I like this idea.
Becky: Or is it an un-review?
Sarai: Uh… Un-biezed raview?
Becky: ok gurlz u dig dis here shit? u gots 2 use da gud engrish cuz u no ppl like us mean bitchez will mak fun of u fer it. u dig so farizy?
Sarai: n jus so ya no, grammer n spallin r 4 pussiez, dunt let nobady tell u diffaran
Becky: u gurlz shine like a buncha starz. u guise trurly are speshul. i bet u gots a speshul li’l short bus u gets to ride on 2 skewl everday
Sarai: KISS3Z [/end message]
Any last words? Perhaps a little message?
Becky: In all seriousness though guys, unless you can run with the big dawgs don’t bother trying. We’re more than likely going to sit here for five straight minutes giggling at your sorry attempt to make us pay for our sins, as opposed to realising that we were oh-so wrong and apologize to everyone involved.
Perhaps next time you can come up with something better than the deliberate misspelling of “authoritah” and the fact that we use a brown layout (that is not professional, just nicely designed).
Sarai: My message is pretty “simple”: Points for effort.
Oh and, estimated time to type up this review: 15 minutes. Just sayin’.
Becky: Most of which we spent pissing ourselves laughing at the unreview they gave us.
Sarai: I’m counting the editing. OH that reminds me – another tip: Reviewing your own shit ftw. That’s for the win, in case you are not down with da gang slang.
Becky: Yeah tell it like it is mah homegurl.
Sarai: Catch ya on da flip side, Becky. WEST SIIYED.
Becky: Er, ditto. Guys if they should remove their unreview you can take a look at it here. Peace out homiez.
I really love it when stupid people get it into their heads that they actually have a point to make and then end up falling flat on their face. I especially loved their comment about buying YOU guys a dictionary. LOL to the tenth degree!
That being said though, to be honest, I agree with them about the layout. The simplicity IS nice but the colors… aren’t. I know you didn’t make it (DUH), but a color change may be in order…
ROFLMAO
Is this the same “Emzeh” that my Pants Award recipient fark-oath was bashing? They’re all as e-tarded as each other.
I couldn’t help but LOLOLOLOL at the idea that “that 3 quaters of the web” visit swimshit and katiepoos each day. The pain. The pain in my side. It’s killing me. XD
I think they need another tip: next time you type a review, make sure it’s, y’know, understandable ;) Maybe I’m too stupid for them, but I don’t think redistributing fonts really had anything to do with IP, other than being looked down upon.
I’d pitch in some cash for those reference books, ladies, but I think it’s a hopeless cause.
I do agree with one thing, though – the color of the layout. Could you edit it?
Sumaiya · Aug 9, 02:59 PM · · Permalink
How old are these girls? 5??
Really, have they never EVER heard of logical arguments?
Also, if you want to criticize someone
1)You make sure that the person can READ the criticism (I nearly busted my eyes).
2)You spell correctly – so they KNOW FOR SURE that you’re actually insulting them.
As such you just succeeded to make laughing stocks out of yourselves.
Also @ Becky: I don’t think they’ve ever heard of sarcasm.
Comments are closed on this post (and most other older posts). If you'd still like to discuss this then please feel free to drop us a line using the contact form.
You totalled pwnt those e-tards. I seriously laughed when the suggested you buy a dictionary. What dictionary have they been reading? Their spelling is shit!
Hannah · Aug 7, 06:23 PM · · Permalink