Beautiful Mistakes
Sarai: I’d like to thank BeautifulMistakes.net for making my day. Never in the history of IP have I found a domain name more appropriate. Well, except for Natural Born Diva perhaps.
Becky: Sarai and I thought we’d give you guys a few tips on how to piss off your visitors. As always we’re going to be needing a few examples. Normally we would spend minutes searching the web and scouring the internet for the finest sites to show you, but not today! We found a site that has everything we need all rolled into one. And I do mean everything, font-size, family, bolded text, bad contrast, crappy tutorials and that’s just the tip of the iceberg!
Let’s start with Trebuchet MS bold and using it for your main text.
Sarai: 10pt sized to round it all off. Next, forget your <html> tags altogether because, really, who needs those?
Becky: Not someone as l33t as we are! And don’t forget to use a link colour that is really, really, really close the background colour (and I mean really close) and keep it the same on hover because just fucking with your visitors once is so 2007.
Sarai: Oh totally. Also, the “No Sticky Pawz!” is out. A paragraph will do just nicely:
I have written ALL of these tutorials, taken all the screenshots, made all the diagrams, examples, etc.
If these tutorials help you at all, i’d much appreciate it if you credited or linked back beautifulmistakes.net
Do not distribute, direct/hot link, or use any of my screenshots, diagrams, or examples.
Be as specific as possible.
Becky: Don’t just say “link me if you use it” because people will not understand. Don’t forget to include your URL because people are extra stupid and you get extra points if you include HTML for them to copy and paste. Oh and you should probably claim every single thing as yours, even the words (even though you didn’t technically invent them, your visitors knuckles are dragging on the ground, like they’ll figure it out). It does not matter if every other tutorial on the internet uses the exact same screenshot or diagram, it’s yours goddammit and you want hits!
Sarai: Hits is gold nowadays! The more hits you get, the closer you are to
Jessica’s affiliates list! If you really want to make a visitor’s life a living hell, code your layout specifically for Internet Explorer. Otherwise Firefox users will be able to read your links and we don’t want that.
But the best part is to come: Teaching your visitors tutorials that will send them on the path to greatness!
Becky: We most certainly do not! Now guys this next part is very important, pay very close attention and sit up straight. If you want to piss your visitors off then there is no better way than providing them with incorrect information and bad examples.
input, select {
color: #COLOUR;
background: #COLOUR;
font-size: 6pt;
font-weight: normal;
font-weight: none;
text-decoration: none;
font-family: Tahoma;
text-align: left;
border-width: 1px;
border-style: dashed;
border-color: #COLOUR;
Never, ever give them valid, clean anything. Miss brackets, don’t group properties together and make no fucking sense whatsoever.
.CSS stands for cascading styling sheet. Lots of web-designerss like myself, use it so it is much, easier to change the text colours, etc, to match a layout. It is much easier than changing each table/box in detail in a html code.
source
Sarai, am I a good web-designerss?
Sarai: I’m afraid you fall short when it comes to her webstandards, Becky. For fuck’s sake you put your <title> codes between the <head> tags and according to Tiff that ain’t the way to go about it! She loves Iframes and you obviously don’t. That’s not only confusing, but dumb. How else would your pages load?! Seriously now, get with the program.
Becky: That’s wrong? Really? Damn, and I thought I was so good. So, if I start leaving tags out (maybe even inventing a few) I’d be as great a web-designerss as Tiffany? I’d totally leave the credits in the sidebar, so when a couple of assholes named Shanicka and Shanaynay come along they know who to blame for the mess.
Sarai:
CSS stands for cascading styling sheet. Lots of web-designerss like myself, use it so it is much, easier to change the text colours, etc, to match a layout. It is much easier than changing each table/box in detail in a html code.
Here is a definition I got from google:
‘‘A series of instructions that specify how text should appear on a Web page. You can use CSS to set styles for text, borders, and other elements, and apply these styles to an entire Web site.’‘
I wonder if she credits Google for that snippet.
Becky: Well she mentions them? No link though. I wonder if that means I can just name her in the sidebar instead. “I got this goddawful coding from beautifulmistakes.net!”
Also, does Google have definitions for CSS and HTML now? Or did she use Google to search for a definition. If so, why didn’t she credit the site she stole it from? Fucking hypocrite.
2. Now, let’s turn your picture black and white if it already isn’t; if it is, skip to step 3.
So go to image>>adjustments>>desaturate
source
Revolutionary! Amazing! Wow.
Sarai: Just look at that difference! I can’t even take it. _
I don’t understand how people who don’t know what the hell they’re doing feel the need to teach others things they don’t know.
6. At the top of the code, there should be something like this:
a { text-decoration: none;
font-weight: none;
font-family: tahoma;
color: #COLOUR;
background-color:#COLOUR;
border-bottom: 0px dashed #COLOUR;
text-transform: none;
font-size: 8pt; cursor: default;
This section of the CSS, is the link settings.
I don’t think there are enough font attributes in that coding.
Becky: Because they will never reach a l33t status (and earn that coveted spot on Jessica’s sidebar) if they don’t distribute crappy tutorials. Wait, what’s this… OH HELL NAW. HELL NAW. Bitch went on archives.org and stole my Cutting PSD’s Tutorial. And she didn’t credit me. It is on. Look at it! The nerve of some people.
Sarai: She did?! BRB Sending a really angry e-mail complete with spelling mistakes, random insults, and a lot of anger emoticons.
Becky: You da best friend ever. Call her a hoe for me please (because we all know that when you’re dealing with shit on the internet you send your friends in first and hide out).
Sarai: I’m about to call Jhaye to help me. Maybe I can bribe her with a burrito.
Becky: You’re a very good Mexican, too, Saran. And I think she prefers chalupas.
Sarai: I have some of those too. Can we talk about her Network page? Because this:
I do not take web design seriously as it is just a hobby for me. I created BeautifulMistakes.net for leisure, and to distribute the graphics and design resources that I’ve made myself.
threw me a bit off guard.
Becky: She created beautifulmistakes.net for free time? Interesting. If she doesn’t take it seriously then I assume we’re not meant to take her seriously. That’s it! This is one big (bad) joke on us, she’s not being serious when she tells you to use shitty code. No, she’s joking…. right? RIGHT?
Sarai: It’s the only way I’ll be able to sleep soundly tonight. I just can’t help but worry about these people. Her source is a NIGHTMARE.
<!-- Nav -->
<div id="menu">
<ul>
<DIV style="left: 470px; WIDTH: 100px; POSITION: absolute; TOP: 0px">
<li><a href="http://www.beautifulmistakes.net/me/tiff.php">Tiffany</a></li>
</div>
<DIV style="left: 580px; WIDTH: 100px; POSITION: absolute; TOP: 0px">
<li><a href="http://www.beautifulmistakes.net/content.php">Stuff</a></li>
</div>
<DIV style="left: 680px; WIDTH: 100px; POSITION: absolute; TOP: 0px">
<li><a href="http://www.beautifulmistakes.unphased.org" target="_blank">Icons</a></li>
</div>
<DIV style="left: 775px; WIDTH: 100px; POSITION: absolute; TOP: 0px">
<li><a href="http://www.beautifulmistakes.net/site/website.php">Network</a></li>
</div>
<DIV style="left: 900px; WIDTH: 100px; POSITION: absolute; TOP: 0px">
<li><a href="http://www.beautifulmistakes.net/index.php">Blog</a></li>
</div>
</ul>
Really? Here’s a tip: If your own source code is a fucking nightmare, don’t brand yourself Teacher and waste your time teaching others. Instead, refer them to people who know. their. shit. You’ll be a lot more helpful.
Becky: Remember, she’s not doing it professionally. It only counts if you’re a professional.This shit is almost as bad as Rhiannon’s coding (almost, not quite). There should be a society for the prevention of cruelty against codes, assholes like this should be locked up forever.
Sarai: Under her dislikes she says the following:
I hate people who bitch all day, and won’t figure out something else to talk about besides from mean remarks about someone, or some people.
Well damn.
Becky: She’s gonna really hate us then.
Sarai: So basically, to wrap this all up, Tiffany likes teaching people terrible code, has no respect for google or mean people, and doesn’t take webdesign seriously. I think I covered it all.
Becky: Don’t forget she likes you to credit her for her crappy code, but doesn’t like crediting other people for the stuff she steals. Basically she’s one big old douchebag.
Sarai: Now now Becky, that’s a little harsh. I prefer Ignorant.
Becky: Either you’ve been medicated or you’ve gotten soft. Is Brent medicating you?
Sarai: No I’m just tired from standing on my feet all day from making tacos. You understand.
Becky: Of course I do, Mexican life is very hard.
Sarai: Well I have to go weave some baskets, do you mind wrapping this up?
Becky: Sure thing! Tiffany, for cruelty against HTML and CSS (though not on the level of some people * ahem *) we sentence you to 300 internet years in e-prison. You’ll have to hang out on, brace yourself, twitter and Myspace.
Now if you’ll excuse me I need to waddle over to the corner store because I’m out of Twinkies. Shreky out.
Comments
LOL, at the bottom of the page “BACK HOME FORWARD” looks like one big link. BACK HOME FORWARD! I SAY!
“I have cut out all of these PNG’s.” What was cut out from them? Whatever it was, it must’ve been more hard work than the actual photography if credit is required. Poor, poor PNGs.
While I agree with your comments (God, what crappy coding), I would like to note two things.
One, although I strongly doubt that’s how she got her definition, Google provides a way to quickly search for definitions. Type define:word in Google and it will give you definitions from various sites (with credits to the original source, which is the one you should credit anyway).
Two, I know you dislike Rhiannon, but her coding is better than that.
Oh dear. I know I said it’s not nice to write things bashing other peoples sites and, ya know, whatever I said…. da… I take it back. This girl’s just asking for it. How can you say you don’t take web design seriously and then offer horrible tutorials …wtf? I mean, I know she’s just a kid and when I was her age I had some crap coding, but still it wasn’t quite as bad and it was the 90s, so no one knew what they were doing.
I really hope no one actually uses her coding tutorials to learn web design.
LMFAOOOOOOOOO omg, that was fucking hilarious!
Jesse · Apr 12, 06:12 PM · · Permalink
Now that is the worst markup I’ve seen yet. No <html> tags, and no <body> tags?! Stylesheets in the middle of what is supposed to be the body? barf
Hannah · Apr 5, 07:44 PM · · Permalink